I suggested this topic because I wanted to tell you about my stupidest purchase ever: a pair of “weight loss” pantaloons. They attached to the vacuum cleaner and formed a waist-to-knee corset when the vacuum was turned on. (My second stupidest purchase ever, which I also ordered during the peak of my teenage body-hating years, was a Mark Eden bust developer. When it arrived, in a plain brown wrapper, my two best friends and I excitedly passed it amongst ourselves, taking turns to pump it vigorously. The device broke that first session, along with our dreams of Brigette Bardot-like bosoms.)
But I thought I would instead perform a public service and tell you about the most useful* purchase I have ever made: a GORE-TEX® face mask. It allows me to amble outside in -30 degree weather without falling prey to the frost-biting gods or feeling the need to hurl expletives at every other member of the wintry pantheon. At the same time it leaves my eyes exposed, which allows me to tender looks of sympathy at any passersby who lack my facial wardrobe smarts.
My GORE-TEX® face mask is not my most treasured possession, but it’s near the top of the list. In the event of some cataclysmic event that would require me to vacate my premises immediately, it would probably be the third thing I would grab, after Sampson-and-Guyot (because they’re sentient beings and would probably hunt me down and kill me if I didn’t save them) and my wallet (because I know how much time and money it requires to replace government-issued ID).
[Brief aside: I “inherited” Sampson-and-Guyot from my uncle when he died. Some people are convinced I was duped by my cousins, who were surely aware of Sampson-and-Guyot’s habit of sweeping everything on every horizontal surface to the floor, their bulimic tendencies (OK, I don’t really think they’re throwing up on purpose, but sometimes I wonder), and their verbosity. Despite these character traits, I find them wildly endearing. So I may have been duped, but I’m a delighted dupe. I mean, look at them…]
* Applies only to residents of geographic regions that have a winter season, or to those who migrate in the opposite direction to the chickenshit of snowbirds that make their way south at the first cold snap.
I wish you had a picture of those pants.
ReplyDeleteThe juncos told me to tell you hello. Also the white throated sparrow who will not shut up about your country.
And I love this comment.
DeleteI love this comment too!
DeleteI can understand you being enamoured of Sampson-and-Guyot. I miss having cats.
ReplyDeleteThe Gore-Tex mask is fascinating to me, because it is a bitterly cold winter's day when I might need to wear a hat or gloves. And it was only in Iceland, with it's just above freezing temperatures but ridiculous windchill, that I learned that a woollen hat was only good if it was double thickness! Who knew? (Yes, clearly, you knew.) I think I would need a mask like that if I lived in Canada, and you'd have to be careful I didn't try to commandeer yours.
Eek. Blame predictive text for the apostrophe in "its"
DeleteI have one face mask (in fact, I think Tim and I own one between us, so only one can use it at a time). It's been many years since I've had to, and I often forget it exists. But I'm glad it does.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud: "which allows me to tender looks of sympathy at any passersby who lack my facial wardrobe smarts"
ReplyDelete