People (#17)

She’s a story-embellisher, so when she told me about her trip to the Middle East, and how she and her friend were dragged off a bus, locked in a shed and raped repeatedly over a number of days until some villagers helped them escape, I couldn’t quite believe her. And how unbelievably awful is that? 

People (#16)

H and L have lived a peripatetic lifestyle since selling their house three years ago. They move between Mexico, France, Arizona, and Ontario, house-/petsitting with the occasional rental in exotic locales (currently, Oaxaca). I live voraciously vicariously through them. This morning, I sat in a tiled courtyard drenched in sun and bougainvillea, gorging on huevos rancheros.

People (#15)

Pants off to the crazy Canuck who invented Cereal Pants. Like Post-It notes, one wonders why it took someone so long to come up with an ingenious “solution without a problem” (quote from the scientist who accidentally discovered the adhesive that made Post-It notes possible). But do they go in the dishwasher, or the washing machine?

People (#14)

A friend described her shock at seeing Judy mid-treatment. Skin loose and hanging, like all her connective tissue and bones had disintegrated. When we visited Judy some time later, she lunged forward, arms outstretched, as we prepared to leave. “I want to go with you.” But her wish remained bedridden, tethered to an IV.

People (#13)

Passport photographers are under-recognized sages. Four years ago, I applied for a new passport. When the photographer showed me the photo, I was unimpressed by my aging, scowling visage. “In 10 years, you’ll look at this and think differently,” he assured me. Sure enough, even four years later I wish I looked like the person in that photo. 

People (#12)

A ravishing blond who drove an MG and managed an on-par-with-Marilyn-Monroe sized posse of male admirers, J’s heart sprung a leak in her early 30s while at sea. Fortunately, the occasion was a dinner-cruise fundraiser for a local hospital, and she received immediate medical attention. Those who know her better swear she wasn’t the same person afterwards, but all I detected was a newfound love of cats, supplanting her previous devotion to dogs*. 

*Prior to the event in question, J always had dogs and no time for cats. She now has six cats and no time for dogs.

People (#11)

After the standard first-date pleasantries (Where do you work? What are your views on climate change?) he dropped a bombshell: he’s a hoarder. Then another: He doesn’t cook. What do you do about meals? I asked. Take leftovers from meetings, and sometimes neighbours drop things off for me, he responded. 

These weren’t merely bombshells, they were H-bombs.

People (#10)

Why am I only learning now—and from a national news source, rather than from the kiwi horse’s mouth—that Canada’s mission is important to Mali*? I think our Mali has some explaining to do. Why on earth does she care about Canada’s mission? And what on earth is Canada’s mission? And is Mali a go-to political pundit?

* As revealed in an article titled, “The importance of Canada’s mission to Mali” that appeared in the March 31st edition of The Globe and Mail.

People (#9)

I am reading Trumpocracy, by David Frum. The book is confirming my suspicions that our (humankind’s) so-called superior intellect actually confers a seriously superior capacity for stupidity, rationalizing all sorts of unacceptable behaviour, and thuggery. Thank goodness there is at least one Republican who is unafraid to “plumb the foulnesses of the Trump presidency.”

People (#8)

To “recoup” the accommodation costs associated with my brother’s wedding, I took full advantage of the open bar. I guzzled what I hoped were pricey hipster cocktails from the time the open bar actually opened at 6 p.m. to shortly after midnight. This was in stark contrast to one less vengeful guest, who stuck to Bud Light. 

People (#7)

The taxman. He’s not the ideal date: too nitpicky and a poor listener. Yet, year after year, I agree to a rendezvous. I prepare in stages, as our date approaches, to ensure I put my best face forward. Stages 1 (download tax preparation software) and 2 (buy wine*) have now been completed. Time to get hot and heavy. 

*As a tax preparation cost, I feel I should be able to write this off as a business expense.

People (#6)

I saw the movie Dolores* yesterday. I had heard of Cesar Chavez—although before seeing Dolores, I probably would not have been able to tell you who he was—but not Dolores Huerta. Trying to summarize who she is in 57 words would probably be beyond even her formidable talents. Amazing movie, amazing soundtrack, amazing woman. 

*Whenever I hear or see this name I am reminded of that classic Seinfeld episode where he couldn’t remember his girlfriend’s name and wondered if it was “Mulva” or “Bovary,” based on the knowledge that it rhymed with a part of the female anatomy. 

People (#5)

She is not afraid to express her views, but does so non-confrontationally. Dismayed by the aggressive teaching style of her Young Drivers instructor, she did not quit, “accidentally” run him over, or complain bitterly and stick it out. Instead, she pulled over* and a discussion ensued. According to her, they reached a moment of emotional clarity. 

*Signalling appropriately, and engaging the parking brake once stopped.

People (#4)

Joan no longer has to search for greener pastures, having finally—after a two-year search—purchased some for her and her horses. Now she has to build: house, barn, fence. Her contractor, a moody alcoholic, had his driver’s license suspended, so Joan chauffeurs him to and fro each day. She remains upbeat, seeing everyone as her guru.

People (#3)

I was invited to my brother’s wedding in August, but likely only because he knew my mother couldn’t get there otherwise. The ceremony took place on a Saturday at a hipster hotel in a hipster village, and all family members were informed that they were expected to stay at said hotel. The cost? $900/night. Butler not included.

People (#2)

According to a CaseFile podcast, Jim Jones was once a civil rights activist and an advocate for racial and social equality. The podcast was long on details about life and death at Jonestown but short on speculation as to what may have caused his transition from desegregationist to despot. Has anyone studied his brain?

People (#1)

After listening to me bemoaning the fact that I will never be able to afford to have my basement renovated, my ever-practical mother suggested that I melt down my grandparents’ silver cutlery, and that I sell their Irish Belleek sugar and creamer set, “which are very valuable.” I checked on ebay: similar sets are priced at $11.95. 

My mother’s full of blarney.