Things I like about myself

1.

[Brief aside: I am not trying to be cute/funny/glib or to elicit outpourings of “Oh, but you’re so xx and xx and xx and xx and really, really xx” (although please don’t dam any such outpourings on my account :) ). I really just don’t like myself all that much.]

That’s what I wrote last night. I was going to post it, and then thought I should sit on it for a bit. So I did—although only figuratively, so you don’t need to worry about where this post has been—and offer these afterthoughts.

A few years ago I decided to try online dating. I never got to the point of actually creating a profile, as a result of a bunch of personality traits I don’t like (namely, timidity, indecision, propensity to procrastinate, and laziness). But before my timidity/indecision/propensity to procrastinate/laziness kicked in, I asked several friends which four adjectives they would use to describe me, from a list provided on the dating site.  

One lost the list and asked me to resend it. I became impatient—something I don’t like about myself: I am quick to impatience—and didn’t bother responding. Another wrote, “caring, generous, reliable and funny.” I was offended (another thing I don’t like about myself: I am easily offended). Reliable??? Why did she choose that over “creative” or any of the other more sexy descriptors on tap??? Another replied, “intelligent, thoughtful, creative, and affectionate.” I was dissatisfied with this set as well (yet another thing I don’t like about myself: I am never satisfied.) Doesn’t she think I’m funny? Yet another responded that I’m creative, generous, intelligent, loyal, articulate, respectful, funny, thoughtful, genuine, reliable, and perceptive. I was frustrated by that friend’s inability to follow instructions (yes, another thing I don’t like about myself: I become frustrated by the silliest things). 

This morning, however, the sight of a woman and child who I pass almost every day on my way to work reminded me of one thing I do like about myself: my kindness. This woman always appears sad, both in her facial expression and in the way she walks. I have never seen her talking with her child or swinging arms with her. The child is young, and seems subdued. I am convinced their life is difficult. I try to look the woman in the eyes and give her a big smile when we approach each other, in the hopes that this makes her feel like someone cares.

Today was the first day, however, that they were walking on the opposite sidewalk. I began to  wonder if my smiling was weirding her out, similar to Simon Cowell’s reaction to this organist (performance starts at about 2:06).(One final thing I dislike about myself, although the list could go on and on: I often feel socially awkward and worry that that makes people feel uncomfortable when they’re around me. It’s probably good this is a virtual community!)