November places (#4)

I’m in a dark place at the moment. My long-awaited basement renovation finally got underway on Monday. The start date was delayed by two days because the city took more than the usual 10 days to approve the permit—and don’t get me started on all the nonsensical regulations around how big a window has to be to designate a space as a bedroom, which has nothing to do with providing a means of egress, and how hydronic in-floor heating is considered a primary heat source but electric in-floor heating isn’t, necessitating the installation of additional and likely never to be used baseboard heaters (which are electric and are considered a primary heat source, whereas as already noted electric in-floor heating isn't, but don't try to wrap your head around that because you'll probably asphyxiate yourself before you arrive at any understanding)—and I was fretting because everything had to be taken down to the studs to prepare for the waterproofing work on Thursday and Friday, the spray foam insulation on the following Monday, and the heat pump installation on the following Wednesday. The work needs to be done in this order and the heat pump needs to be installed by a certain date in order for me to be eligible for the one rebate that fuckhead Ford hasn’t cancelled. All the trades are booked up months in advance, hence my anxiety over making sure things were ready by Thursday. The contractor assured me that everything would be. 

As the drywall and insulation were being removed on Day 1 the contractor became a bit alarmed at the state of the foundation. He asked the waterproofing guy, who also does minor foundation repairs, to come and take a look. He (the waterproofing guy) arrived on Day 2, took a quick look, and said he couldn’t waterproof anything in that condition, and that we need to consult with a structural engineer. He (the structural engineer) arrived on Day 3, took a quick look, and rendered his verdict:

• The foundation is structurally unsound.
• If nothing is done, the house will collapse.
• He couldn't say when that would likely happen: it could be 40 years from now, or next week. When I expressed anxiety over the lack of precision around the timing of this somewhat important event he made no attempt to reassure me and only said. "I've seen 40 or 50 houses like this in Kingston. People get used to the idea of living in them, I guess." 
• The best fixes: Raise the house and redo the foundation. Estimated cost: $150,000. Or tear down the house and rebuild. Naturally, insurance won't cover any of this.
• Insurance also won't cover building collapses if they occur due to structural defects. So my house is a write-off if it does collapse.
• If I want to run away from this mess (which I most certainly do) I won't be able to sell the house for anything close to its purported value because I am legally obligated to disclose structural defects. Basically, the value of my house has gone up in smoke this week. In fact, if the house does go up in smoke that might be the best option: at least that way I could submit an insurance claim. Or I could pay someone to fly a plane into it, as insurance will also cover damage due to that “insured peril.” Oh wait, no it won’t: insured perils are not actually insured while renovations are underway [probably because other people have run into similar troubles at the start of their renovations, and reached the same conclusion as me (i.e. that a fire or plane falling out of the sky would handily solve things)].

Even if I felt OK about living in a house that may collapse in a week or 40 years, I no longer have that option. The inspector said the structural issues have to be dealt with and signed off by an engineer before the renovation can proceed. And I really don’t have an option to ditch the renovation plans. My main bathroom is (well, was) in the basement, so there’s no longer a shower or tub in the house. And the basement is no longer insulated. And the hot water tank is gone, so there’s no longer any hot water. And did I mention that winter is coming? 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Oh, and did I mention that the roof has started leaking? 

More $$$$$$$

And did I further mention that on Day 1 of the renovation the stray cat I’ve been feeding for over a year, who hadn’t been around for over a week so I assumed he had been hit by a car, appeared on my back deck, eyes sunken and blank and with black, viscous liquid oozing from his mouth? As of Monday he will have been at the vet’s for 7 nights, during which time he has been on antibiotics, IV fluids and painkillers, and has had numerous teeth and his manhood removed. 

Yet more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (In fact, the vet bill may well exceed the cost of doing whatever it takes to render the foundation structurally sound.)

It feels like I’m in a Stephen King story, one in which my malevolent house has turned against me. I so want to flee to Lenger Island and seek sanctuary in the hangar cathedral... except my malevolent house would probably follow me there and finish me off in some spectacularly gruesome, Stephen King-like way.

And yes, I know this post exceeds 100 words. I should probably just have written this, which so succinctly summarizes how I feel: 

FTSM x 1,000,000,000,000